Existential dilemmas never come at the right time do they. Neither do they come with any great pronouncements, and for me they take me right to the edge of giving up. Giving up on my work, giving up on other people, giving up on my art, giving up on myself. For me the existential crisis is a familiar beast when I reach the other end. It can make me angry, sad, careless… it comes to me in so many forms over the years this ‘what is the point of it all’ crisis. This time it came with such loneliness I cannot describe. I felt the only thing holding me to the planet and stopping me floating off into oblivion, unnoticed and unmissed, was the weight of my children needing mum.
Why do I document this? Because I need to make a cairn to mark this point so if I stumble in the fog again I can find this and stay on the path. I place a large stone atop my cairn here. It marks the edge. It marks this point for me and it stands as a guide to others who may come this way. There has been someone before you. That someone almost lost their way, they stumbled and found the very edge. My edge is not a tumble down a hole. It is the floating off into endless space – no end , no bottom, no touch, no sound, no light. They talk of a bottomless pit, that never-ending fall waiting for the bottom to collide with. What when you watch everything recede from you instead. How lonely can that be to still see it all further and further away and out of reach and no-one looks up to notice as it was such a quiet thing letting go.
Anyhow. I emerge. I need the blog to act as intermediary. The journal… I’ve tried and it doesn’t work. I become too maudlin. I need the focus of the blog. What doesn’t the course need? Well, I need more from the course than the course needs of me so this is how it has to be. If I fail for saying too much, I think I can live with that. If I am confined to the page and succeed with a watered down version of myself I will feel I’ve sold out; betrayed myself to a need for proving to another that I can. I’ve stared loneliness down this month. She’s soulless ghoul. Behind her stands grief, grief has no eyes but is all wound.
And wounds… you don’t scare me. I see you now and I’m ready to do battle with your insidious invisibility. You will be visible.